Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Longing To Adopt

Now that our little girl is close to 2 yrs, we're looking at expanding our family.  We'd love to conceive another child. In fact, we've been going through fertility treatment until recently when we stopped for the summer because I wanted to enjoy the time together as a family with the daughter we DO have.

We have been open to every legal and moral route to bring another child into our family.  I can't say it hasn't been hard. I miss our sweet boy who is in heaven. I wonder if his personality would be similar to his little sister or if he would be more reserved like his dad.  Looking at my sweet girl, I just LOVE being her mom! She makes us laugh with her antics and is SO expressive. Very independent too.  She deepens that ache to want more.  I just love being a mom.  Her mom...someone's mom.

I'd LOVE to have another child through my own body, yet I'm not blind to the risks again.  My age is 1 year older (39) The question of whether I'll get pregnant even WITH fertility treatment then the risks of anomalies that come with age and of course the mere fact that once I hit second trimester I'll need progesterone and a stitch thanks to what we now know as Incompetent Cervical issues.

I took the summer off to gather myself together. Fertility treatment really takes its tole on the body AND the mind.  It can also mean your marriage gets put on the backburner.  It's not really the most romantic way to get pregnant.  I brought the idea to my husband just to regroup, make GOD the center and also put the blessings I ALREADY have as of great importance.  I wanted us all to have fun together. I wanted to rekindle my marriage and also remind myself that GOD is in control. To be content with where I am and rely solely on HIS plan. Whether to conceive or to adopt.

Either way we've always know that adoption was a route we'd like to take.  Even with a new pregnancy, we still plan to adopt.  I don't plant to have anymore children this route after this next child. My body just can't handle the hormones or the added measures it takes to keep a baby to term.  This is it!

I'm not disappointed because while I know I'm not DONE wanting children, I know we're hoping God directs our footsteps in adopting a child. That also means with finances.

The past few days I've gone back to old adoption sites and my heart just sank into despair!  Lord, will this even BE an option?!  I noticed that since we last looked, the fee's for adoption have gone up and even through the roof.  To a point where it's almost unthinkable to achieve!  However will we expand our family then?  What keeps going through my mind is what if I don't get a second chance with conceiving?  Adoption was always at the forefront of our plans.  Jackson our first, was a surprise after being told we'd never be able to conceive a child...8 years later he came by surprise after a mini vacay.  We then achieved our little girl through fertility treatment after Jackson passed away since we knew we COULD in fact have children.

My husband and I have always wanted a big family which included those children who were born IN our heart not just under it.  Now I'm finding my dreams possibly shattered.  I mean however will we come up with 25k or more out of pocket to adopt a child?  Who would do such a thing to children AND families who want a child to love and nurture?  My heart is just aching and maybe it's because this subject is at the forefront of where we're hoping to go really soon.

Taking time off from fertility treatment is a good thing.  Both adoption AND fertility treatment will be in the back of my mind but I'm praying for God to boldly answer our prayers for finances, good health and to expand our family with more children no matter the route.  

I'm guessing in the months to come, I'll need to take down the map at the top.  It doesn't seem fit where we are in our lives to pick and choose the Country.  I'm going to ask God to help us and I will follow Him.